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Printing this makes it easier to read...
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Some people have expressed that it is hard to read this with the colors changing in the background. I cannot eliminate the color but I did find a solution to make it easier to read. When you print this page, it prints with a white background. Please adjust your preferences for the printer to print it in Landscape mode vs. Portrait so that it prints to the right margin. I am sorry that it is hard to read...for so many reasons...but I am so grateful that so many people have responded. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and God Bless all of you...There are many of you who have read and responded many with your own stories and concerns. We are all not alone and good will come by continuing to communicate.
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The Crespi 7...5 sweet years...
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A complete, perfect time…with memories to last a life time
David & Kim
Jessica, Dylan, Joshua, Tessara & Samantha
Improper treatment of mental health & illness
Medication without proper monitoring
Lack of Awareness of potential dangers
Criminal Justice without regard to mental illness
Lives lost and altered
FOREVER!
But Grace and Forgiveness restores and heals
We have to talk about this
It’s important to get this right
If this could have happened to us
This could happen to you or someone you love
How would you know
If YOUR mind was broken?
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Our Story – Faith
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I wrote the details of our tragedy without referencing our faith. I tried to share the details of our tragedy and in doing so I feel like you could easily lose all form of hope if that was the whole story. It was devastating to me to read it back. Please know that I think God is ever powerful and present to each of us in this journey. I could end every paragraph as I end every day…But God…But God many things…
God must have a plan and we are only seeing what we can handle today
God is right in the middle of all the suffering showing us the light
God didn't cause the deaths but God saw that He could use it for good
God has not abandoned us but loves us so much that He can use us to bring a greater good –
His good...Thy will be done
So many “God” things can be seen and acknowledged in our story. I would like you to know that faith and grace are abundant even in the most difficult of times. We are all working out this awareness along the way. Please let the light of grace take you down the path of our story. Our faith in God is grounded in the Trinity…the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. We are Catholic so very far from perfect in our practice. But God is still using us, guiding us and we are doing the best we can (most minutes) with the strength we have been given. I daily see His hand as I draw on the means He has given us through the traditions of the Church. I am grateful for this guidance in this life and find it essential to life and death. I honor above all, Jesus, but also Mary, the Mother of God, all the saints in heaven and on earth and all the angels that help us in this life. I have felt this power and draw on it daily.
Forgiveness is essential. The power and grace that flows from laying down the hurt of actions against us is amazing to me. Love has an in and is the ultimate end when forgiveness is acknowledged and accepted.
The Happy Ending…
I would love for you to be able to scroll down to the final paragraph and read…
”And they lived happily ever after...”
However, I can't write that as it simply isn't true. What I can write is
“And they lived…
Surrounded in abundant Grace with the power of forgiveness and love.
The path needed for the moment was always lit with the most amazing light
Reflecting all they had lost and all they hoped to gain on their journey to
Heaven through this incredible gift of life.”
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Our Story – Kim’s Story (2/4/08)
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We must share our story because it happened to us. I would like it NOT to happen to another family if our information can help. My husband is a kind, gentle man and on one day he was able to do the unbelievable.
On Friday, January 20, 2006, around noon, I ran out to get my hair cut and tried to return to our house a little over an hour later. I was stopped by a police barricade, escorted into a neighboring house one block from my street and told that my husband had called 911, confessed to stabbing our twin 5-year-old daughters to death and was already arrested. Our 3 older children were nearing the end of their school day at the local elementary, middle and high schools. We were all escorted separately to the police station for questioning and the beginning of our new unbelievable life.
I was shocked and confused and could not imagine what could have come over David to cause such a horrific, devastating reaction.
He had been experiencing an episode of depression which always began with not being able to adequately sleep. He couldn't turn off his brain. This was about the 5th episode I had experienced in our 11 ½ years of marriage. In each episode we sought all the help we could obtain. We called the Priest, went to doctors (general practitioner and psychiatrist) took whatever medication they prescribed and sought mental health professionals for counseling and medication when it seemed that they were better able to understand the mental health challenges we felt were taking place. David attended therapy sessions and tried to be as honest as possible with feelings and reactions.
We were not advised of the signs of psychosis nor were we advised of what to do if we saw any of these signs. We felt alone but we were dealing the best we could with such unfortunate circumstances.
But on this day, within minutes after the tragedy, the Institution of Criminal Justice took over David Crespi’s life. We, the family and victims ourselves, were denied access to David.
David was advised to ask for public counsel as he likely faced the death penalty and the defense could cost in the millions. This was granted. The kids and I went on to piece life together moment by moment trying to reason out the irrational, unbelievable act of a loving father and husband who had never done anything to ever suggest the possibility of this violence and this horror.
I had expected that the Institution of Mental Health would somehow step in to help us. Early Saturday morning, I called the office of the Psychiatrist and Therapist that we had visited for help one week before the tragedy for medication and the previous day for therapy to ask what they thought. The office manager noted that they had reviewed their records and couldn't see how this could have happened. I was not allowed to talk to either professional nor have they contacted me since the tragedy.
The prosecution quickly made it clear that they would be seeking the death penalty. I was numb and shocked and did not support their position of taking David to trial for the death penalty.
Our life became embedded with going on with our losses and the process of criminal justice. We pursued trying to visit David but his lawyers advised me that he was a shell of a person barely able to communicate with them for his defense. I wondered how he could possibly heal if we were not allowed to visit him. The process to allow our visitation was quite complex and required certain actions on David’s part and a letter on my part to the Warden explaining my desire to support my husband. It was 2 ½ months before I was able to walk into visitation at Central Prison in Raleigh, North Carolina, to see my husband behind glass. The kids visited 3 weeks later. I have visited every available week since that initial meeting.
I expected “Mental Health” to help us at any moment. Where were they? Where were the experts on misdiagnosis, improper medication and psychosis? I wonder, now, if “They” even exist. Our lives became an endless round of sadness and perplexities dealing with trying to go on with the sadness of losses and David’s pending criminal trial.
I met with the State of North Carolina, prosecutors from Mecklenburg County, and asked if they would consider David’s mental health in their evaluation. They discounted the role mental illness played in the tragedy, ignored the details of what we were doing to help ourselves, would not entertain the role misdiagnosis and medication played in the tragedy and didn't feel they even needed a motive to seek the death penalty in first degree premeditated murder charges that they were seeking. I was again amazed and perplexed at the limitations on the truth as they were willing to hear it in their action against David.
I had asked the Defense if anyone cared about the truth of what happened. They advised me that they start with the truth and go from there. My feeling is that Mecklenburg County didn't hear the truth because they only cared about the loss and not the why of what happened. Only that “Not guilty by reason of insanity” which could land David in a State Mental Home was an unlikely outcome as psychosis which is unpredictable and can be violent doesn't make for a good insanity defense. The Laws of North Carolina are written such that the criterion for insanity are that the person does not know the difference between right and wrong and secondly, doesn't know the consequences of his actions. Furthermore, mental illness of a psychotic nature is not considered in criminal determination. Mental impairment due to illness is ignored. David had called 911 which right there seemed to indicate that he knew something wrong had happened. Without the insanity plea available and mental health considerations, David appeared like the worst kind of murderer.
The Defense advised taking a plea if offered to avoid a death penalty trial. Their position was that without mental health being considered and the horrific details of the girls’ deaths, a jury of 12 who all had to believe in the death penalty would probably convict and David could end up on death row. In addition, a death penalty trial could strip our family of substantially all assets.
This was not David’s personality. This was not his history. His confession was taken by detectives without any mental health or legal representation and was entered as evidence and confession of the crime. In a psychotic state, he waived all rights.
A plea was offered for 2 counts of premeditated first degree murder. We were locked in with the death penalty and a death qualified jury slamming the door. Without the truth of mental illness, how could this possibly be any thing but a death sentence? We were advised to take the plea even though David and I both agreed that it felt dishonest. Had he premeditated killing any of us? No…not in our opinion. Psychosis isn't a reasonable rational state. I asked about Involuntary Manslaughter and was laughed at for that. David was advised to take the plea because where there is life, there is hope. The defense advised that maybe the world of mental health could change in North Carolina and maybe a future governor could someday understand and grant a pardon. That was the hope offered. Also, experts were brought in to advise David and I that life in prison, the Department of Correction, would be better than the State Mental Home System. The other reasoning was that not guilty by reason of insanity was not within range anyway. So, we went with the reasoning. I now wonder why North Carolina would rather make the mentally ill criminals rather than admit that mental health is what needs to be worked on for all. David and our entire family is now living with the realities of being punished in the criminal justice system based on the fear of the death penalty. How did life get so far from the morning of January 20th when David was trying to help all of us by medicating and trying to cope with his illness?
The hearing was a day when the State made David out to be one of the worst murderers in Mecklenburg County. He was even edited out of home movies to make it appear he cared not for his family. The Defense later in the day called witnesses to attest to David’s character throughout his life. His new diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder was disclosed but no reason was given for the murders of his precious, dearly beloved daughters. David on that day was medicated on an antidepressant, anti psychotic and a mood stabilizer. His hands shook and his head was down. Actually, the Hearing process is such that basic dignity is denied to the inmate and he is not allowed to make eye contact with anyone in the court room. No mention was made of the inappropriate medication he was prescribed only 7 days before the tragedy or the fact that he was under the care of mental health professionals who were not even in court that day or the fact that he was completely chemically imbalanced on the morning of the tragedy or the fact that psychosis is unpredictable and can be dangerous.
The day concluded with back to back life sentences for the lives that were taken. David was escorted out of the court room in shackles to begin his new life being punished for his mental illness over and over again.
I sat in shock, feeling like I had just witnessed the most amazing cold execution of justice. The reporters reported, friends sat stunned and still no one asked or knew “Why.”
I can tell you that David, on antidepressants, felt like he was solely responsible for his actions. For months after the tragedy I asked him to consider the fact that only 7 days after taking the little mind altering pill of Prozac, he did the unbelievable. He took complete responsibility never having a reasonable explanation of why. I would cry when I visited him and he would sadly acknowledge that he hurt me, us, the girls and the living children but he appeared flat and wasn't able to cry. At the prison he is now housed, the medical staff decided that he could wean off the anti psychotic drug and then the antidepressant. They would maintain him on the mood stabilizer, Lithium, which is appropriately used for Bipolar disorder. He had violent nightmares weaning from the anti psychotic. He cried for days while coming off the antidepressant. After a time, he became the David I knew before the tragedy. We began to cry together over the losses.
Now, David feels more stable than he had felt in a long time. His thoughts do not race and he's able to express himself completely and accurately. His remorse for having killed the sweetest little people in his life is great and still without rational explanation because psychosis is not a rational controlled state. It was an act of irrational despair if anything. Not seeing the path beyond the depression for the most precious among us and actually acting out the nightmare of his mind.
I remain convinced that the antidepressants played the greatest part in the psychosis of January 20th and beyond. The drug that had changed in our lives was Prozac with some reference to the sleep aids. In therapy the day before, I noted to the therapist that David was still not sleeping even with the Ambien, Trazadone and Prozac. She went back to the Psychiatrist and brought in samples of Lunesta. We were advised to try those for the next 2 nights and she would be on call that weekend if we needed help. David did take the Lunesta that night and slept for one hour. He woke up completely nauseated and stressed. I do not know if he took an Ambien at the moment as He went into the bathroom and I tried to sleep. The next morning he mentioned that he would not be taking another Lunesta because it made him feel so sick. He was quiet that morning and didn't go to work. We had an appointment that afternoon with his urologist as he was convinced that his testicular cancer had returned. The girls stayed home from preschool as well because they just wanted to be with us and they had colds earlier in the week. There was no reason to doubt that David could care for them for an hour and a half while I got my hair cut.
A few things have come to my attention since the tragedy. First, Ambien has gotten some press that people should not take care of children while taking Ambien as they may remain in a dream like state and not be aware of their actions. This warning came out in 2006 after our tragedy. Secondly, since the hearing, I now know what psychosis is and what symptoms may indicate that a person is becoming unpredictable and possibly dangerous.
The two signs of psychosis are delusions and hallucinations. David was delusional in therapy the day before the tragedy although the therapist did not call it that and advised him to work on his catastrophic thoughts. In hind sight, I believe he was hallucinating the night before the tragedy. Psychosis is the risk in the early days of adjusting to a new antidepressant (SSRI’s - Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) or coming off an antidepressant as well. David had done both. He had come off of Paxil in the fall of 2005 and then went on Prozac in that week in January of 2006 right before the tragedy. We had been told in previous episodes that it took 3 to 6 weeks for the medicine to make a difference and to return only to increase the dosage if it didn't work.
The therapist encouraged David to focus on what was real and to stop castastrophizing. I agreed with the therapist that David was not thinking clearly. I wish she could have looked for psychosis which wasn’t mentioned and never discussed by the Psychiatrist. Several unusual things happened on Thursday night to indicate hallucinations to me like David thinking his car needed to be towed to the shop for some strange idling problem. He was also seeing people that he feared in a parking lot that I didn’t see.
I also know that David was jumping out of his skin during the therapy session which occurred around the same time as when the tragedy occurred the next day. I wonder if the medicine has a certain agitation effect. I lightly touched him during the session and he jumped. I asked if he wanted me to refrain from touching him. He said it was O.K. but it wasn’t pursued. I also noted to the Therapist that David was doing unusual things that week like jumping out of bed and walking around the corners of the throw rug and then jumping back into bed. He had also displayed strange behavior while playing a board game with the kids. He kept walking away from the game and then coming back. Although odd, nothing sparked a discussion about Psychosis with the therapist. She advised that David go home and review his notes from a cognitive out patient therapy program that he had participated in a year and a half early at the local hospital. She encouraged him to try to go to work, to drive his car, jump back into life as we knew it before the physical feeling of this moment.
Of course, I wonder if life would be different if I hadn’t left or had taken the girls with me. This leaving is a heavy sigh every day of my life. I have been told that psychosis is very charged and I may not have survived the attack had I been home. I chose to believe that God spared me to care for the living children and David and to help bring good out of bad.
Because of the disconnection between criminal justice and mental health, David is being unfairly punished in prison. The helpful questions have not been asked and answered. The only reasonable answer to the “why” in my opinion is that the SSRI’s caused the uncontrollable psychosis which resulted in the deaths. David should have been rushed to a Mental Health facility and evaluations made regarding his mental state. Instead, David was taken to the Mecklenburg County Police Station where he was questioned for hours and then taken to jail. The following day a Doctor at the Behavior Center in Charlotte was consulted and he noted that Prozac was not the right drug for him…consider Bipolar Disorder. It was 3 more days later before David was taken to the mental health facility of Central Prison where their doctors evaluated him. The rest of us were at the funeral Mass in Charlotte eulogizing 2 sacrificial lambs of mental illness and then getting ready to fly to California to bury them in the city of their birth.
I do not know what happened in those 2 ½ months but David remembers some fairly amazing unbelievable realities of the imprisoned mentally ill. He remembers the sprinkler heads telling him to call 911. He remembers wondering why our neighbors looked so perplexed, horrified and sad. He remembers thinking that I would be fine because I could just touch the girls and they would come back to life. He remembers thinking he was a spiritual leader on a mission. He remembers seeing his brother in the courtroom and thinking that he escaped for help. He remembers, regrettably, flashing a nurse not realizing that he was naked in a gown. He remembers dried feces and blood on the cell walls.
David remembers a Psychiatrist from the defense coming in to evaluate him. When David asked him how he could have done this, he was told that he alone was responsible…not the Prozac…not the doctors. From this point on, David took complete responsibly. The first thing he told me 2 & ½ months later was that he should have never stopped his antidepressant medication. (He had stopped taking Paxil in the fall of 2005) I told him that he was never on the right medication for Bipolar Disorder meaning Lithium and an Anti Psychotic when the psychosis began. He quietly looked at me and said that “they” were not telling him that. He noted that another Psychiatrist for the defense told him that sometimes parents kill out of love for their children. David agreed that he did in fact absolutely love his daughters. I left the prison that day horrified at what he had been led to believe. For many visits during the antidepressants, he maintained that he alone was responsible to the point of not wanting to fight with me over this issue. I wondered what I might be missing. Psychiatrists always rejected David’s assertions that he was bipolar and suspected a family history. Because he had not filed bankruptcy or did not have a cocaine problem, it was wrongly dismissed.
I have not felt the need to medicate personally. I am sad. I have every reason to be depressed and feel that would be a normal state following so great of losses. My body is not chemically imbalanced nor is my body shutting down with the tragedy. That being said, I am not opposed to medication, especially Lithium, for people that are chemically imbalanced.
However, I feel that antidepressants are being passed out like candy without adequate monitoring and disclosure of possible side effects and proper diagnosis. If someone is chemically imbalanced, why isn’t a blood test taken as a first step. I have noted that everyone from nursing mothers to children is given the happy pill. Of course we have to help someone who is struggling with depression. I accepted the help as well for David and our family.
Did it help? What do you think? Where were the doctors when all hell broke lose? Who, except David, is taking any responsibility for this tragedy? It is not considered malpractice if your treatment is considered common practice. Only misdiagnosed, mismedicated, psychotic, irrational, uncontrollable David was blamed for the tragedy that truly made him the saddest living victim. So…no lawsuits can be filed. The patient is blamed and pays the consequences.
If you have any answers to these questions or just want to tell me your story, I'd love to hear it. Please email me at Crespifamilyhope@aol.com if you want to share. I wish I had more answers for all of us. I'm going to keep asking and sharing when I know more. I may even find out that I’m wrong on certain issues. But I'll tell you that too because our truth is what I live with daily.
I believe that we need a mental health care revolution. The way we are treating people with any kind of depression and other mental illnesses isn't working and is causing great harm.
We need to work together with hope for a brighter tomorrow and help tragedies like ours from happening to you, someone you love or your neighbor.
People who care need to come together honestly with the main goal of making it better for the most vulnerable among us.
Prisons should not be mental health care facilities. Burdened guards acting as untrained nurses for the mentally ill is not the best approach. Without a clear path for the mentally ill to State mental hospitals, the right questions will never be asked and families will continue to pay the price of undiagnosed mental illness and treatment.
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